Feb. 11 -
It happened to Lee, too.
I found myself pondering the fate of my soul and
briefly pondered the possibility of redemption. I
in universal truth - and what do I know about
What have I known that has ever been saved?
Feb. 12 -
Rory laughs at me, I can hear it in the distance. I
him at Proud Larry's, locked eyes with him ... and
do anything. Couldn't tear him down with my blade.
Couldn't even buy him a beer. We locked on to each
other from across the bar, and his eyes told me,
even tell me you ain't been expectin' me."
Feb. 14 -
Soul match. She looks at me and her eyes are
sunflowers. I can only whisper cause my heart's
with her. It won't pump blood to the muscles in my
throat that allow me to speak. Won't pump, just
stares. My heart skipping in water like a mudcat.
laid open on a rock and exposing its guts and
She's so much a part of me.
Lines for her:
Bury my head in the sand with the stars streaming
and holding her hand til
it comes crashing into my face -
Throwing myself into a bonfire and flipping into
Water water water to quench the oncoming hell
Feb. 19 -
He can find me, but he's playing games.
The more people who know me, and who gather
together, I start to feel like they've gathered
together to tell
me something about myself. Perhaps to tell me what
life holds in store. To tell me they hate me and
will kill me.
Feb. 26 -
Why does she come home like this and do this to my
mind? I get home to no Purity, only Lee sound
always. Lying in her bed dreaming about herself and
small life. I am there holding her, forcing myself
and I hear them come in. She is with someone else.
hear them in the next room, moaning and roving
It makes me want to break through the wall and
them all, all the horrible lovers who make mad
into hollow passions and who can't eat or breathe
truthful or fresh. Just fall on each other and
can drown their sadness with rivers of sin and
is a privilege, of which they know nothing.
I hate them all.
March 1 -
Finally had a chance to talk to Purity. She's the
reason I come to Lee's anymore. To torture myself
seeing her with those beggars. We went outside last
because the wind was blowing at this brilliant
temperature. We went out and shared a joint. She
opened up to me and told me she was being stalked.
me she thought it was me. I told her no way it
me. I say it's her who's stalking me. Every day in
head. At work all day, she's all I think about. At
when I'm here and alone, petrified by the sounds
makes. I said it with guilt, for I knew who it was
knew that somehow I caused it. It's not Purity he's
He will come for her because he is sick and he
would kill me. I couldn't explain it....
She puts on make-up with me and I chase her into
grass. My arms around her legs, I am loving and
her, kissing her ankles. She cries a shrill note
like indifferent fear. She wants to die. She wants
me to die
March 5 -
Haven't seen Purity in several days. I've been
her like crazy. Lee told me to quit asking so much,
I was in love with Purity. I felt like ripping her
with my teeth, like a wolf, a ravenous beast.
March 8 -
I know it was one of the Ego Shovel guys that took
away. When I think of it, makes me want to find a
object and tear off their heads. I want to see
March 15 -
What good's a cheat? Hold yourself to something.
Staple your ass to the ground. Don't go about
packing and whacking.
People have been watching too many movies!
Behavior is a most curious possession. How
it becomes in the catalytic situations. When
you love and respect resists you, it's a sign of
chemicals triggering, misfiring. Spit and aim,
In other news:
Had the loveliest time with Geena, lying nude
pillowy cloud in heaven.
March 18 -
She is out of my reach now, and all I can do is
my knees and float in and out of her world like a
ghost. Like a gothic figure dancing in the shadows
midnight moon, pissing down on that place, the farm
where the boys aren't as evil as he who lurks
Wearing a disguise, I went to their party and was
interested in their petty wastes - due no doubt to
anonymity. I was only interested in her, who I
to the edge of the woods. She disappeared with
who must have been him. He has taken her without
truly do not understand his methods. He is so
believe there is no method.
I have so utterly lost literal touch. I have
fate. I cannot save her. I cannot save myself.
March 19 -
Did she sink with the ship? Did I cast her off to
March 20 -
I imagine I have saved myself from people who do
love me. From people who I will hate and kill in my
dreams, if only I can sleep. I can never sleep.
and toss and wonder if this the road to death, and
or not I have left the earth.
March 21 -
She came to me in a dream and said everything is
okay. She wants to stay with Rory. She's had enough
She's had enough of making me a degenerate,
back and forth crying across the weeping earth.
given me enough head damage, like them all. I was
correct envisioning them against me. The only souls
want me now are dead. They are calling me from a
heaven that doesn't exist.
March 22 -
She is back with me, finally. After I told her I
those Shovel jerks were saying. All of them are
burning space-outs. They're doing no good to
any living thing. I had to bring her here where
We are building shelter.
March 25 -
Behavior, animal behavior. Instinct to kill. Don't
Purity. I need to keep building this to hold us.
March 28 -
I've been up since noon drinking wine, toasting the
and ideas that have kept me tangled into this world
kept me from taking my own life.
Purity and I - we're like soul mates. Put here
two pieces, but one. She doesn't see that yet. The
of her situation. It's in her head and my hands. I
something about it for her. Shall she stay or shall
I'll take her away. She can lay down there winking
crying and crawling all over.
Why did I ever think this? She's here, with me of
We're going to Taylor, tailor it to fit her, this
that I am building....
March 29 -4:20 p.m.
Purity was going to leave this weekend. Last night
hours talking her into staying. She was scared and
ready to go
when the craziest thing intervened. We saw
headlights in the
driveway. We turned off all the lights and hid, the
three times and drove off. It was like the cock
Tomorrow is Easter. Instead of rising from the
dead, we will
March 31 -
We are all alive and spaced out on mushroom juice
Hammering and whacking away, I know she will do it.
has focused her mind on building this incredible
stand over her like a slave driver. "Build this
deleted] ship! Build it so we can sink and catch
person who wants to kill us!" She loves it.
April 7 - 1:08 a.m.
I couldn't let her leave. There was no way I could
walk away when Rory could be hiding somewhere
Shovels. There are men hiding in the woods all
house. I can hear the leaves crunch, can see their
I hugged her, held her close to me and told her she
had to lie
down and hide in the box. I am her protector. I
tried and tried
but the screaming and wailing....The horrible
reality made me
choke her and slam the door shut. I cried on top of
April 12 -
Saw Lee. Purity is nowhere to be found and her
upset. She's probably off with a best somewhere in
where she belongs. She is one of them now. She has
April 14 -
I am home. Purity cries, I cry.
April 19 -
What you mistake for madness is but the
April 25 - 8:32 a.m.
The more she shouts and screams, the longer she'll
she couldn't help me, I have to help her. I have to
away from the people who've already tried to murder
She loves me, she needs time below to realize
May 9 -
Driving back from Taylor a few nights ago, I fell
at the wheel. It was a frightening feeling - my
giving up control, following its own set of orders.
up jolted, off in a cotton field.
I think it was Geena calling me to come to her. Is
the devil's agent, luring me back to that madness?
of me wants to go to her - the part that knows this
inevitable. My five-minute future is up-to-date.
Today I went to the grave and whispered to the
to bring her back. My angel. My soft dead angel.
May 12 -
More bones to break. People I love keep getting
Keep crushing my expectations. Purity wanted to
me again. She almost did. I had to catch her and
how much I wanted to protect her. Pain makes you
beautiful. I kept telling her. She didn't believe
May 14 -
My dreams are teleprompters, feeding me the lines
my life. What sad, ugly jokes they tell.
Things I recall with pained effort. Things better
locked away, but these dreams, these visions of my
future, kept drudging up. Puking my life's awful
onto me, drenching me with regret and sadness.
All the fighting and beating that went on between
remember her as a cherub, until the dreams. Biting
kicking. I raised my fists and pounded on her just
Rory pounded on me every day of my life. All the
and scrapes from home, I transferred them to her.
Because any amount of turmoil in me just boiled
onto her. She was so sweet and young. Talented and
dangerous. This world would have eaten her in one
or another. It's best that she died on the wind.
May 18 -
The dream remembers - a stepbrother locked away.
Sent to a holding pen somewhere farfarfar - and
mentioned. No utterance or sounds. Just heavy
breathing. Waiting, my family was waiting.... I
remember them because I never saw them. These days
think we have forgotten each other. There is so
this life that has been forgotten, thankfully. But
resurrected in these final days. I hope there is no
the end of life, for I will fail. i am failing...
May 21 -
Geena, the police, the coroner, the images, those
I fell asleep in the sand out by the graveyard last
I drove to the cemetery to see Geena. I wept for
on her grave. I completely creeped myself out,
the woods, down the ravine and through the brush,
the clearing. It was strong with spirits. The
rippled by the rain and wind, molded by the earth
spinning on it's axis -- the world on a pottery
considered it. This is the place. This is where
I'll plant her
a seed, one day she will yield so much goodness
May 25 -
The skies curve inward on me in this dream, and I
think this is the heavens caving in on me, sucking
As I stand here on the corner, I think I see what
is going to
happen, but something different happens indeed.
It's Purity. She was killed. I saw it happen. She
smashed up in traffic and I was nearby pumping gas,
watching the sky flip and fold in. There was a
van moving fast, it just hit her. Pow, it was over.
motion and suddenly! - eerie stillness. He pulled
without permission. Foot on the gas. She hit it and
to keep on going but she was going nowhere. She was
stuck in traffic. Stuck to the steering wheel.
brunette, hair strands capturing glass. Coffee
fill up with blood like swimming pools. Her full
and white teeth crushed. Jaw broken, fallen. Such a
beautiful creature, such delicacy. Tamed by speed.
Stop! Sudden strange ending. They pulled me aside
when the police arrived. They asked me questions.
happened? Did you know her? She was going so fast,
officer. Then her head blew up. Years of evolution
stunted by stupidity, officer. Thank you for
tragedy with me, officer. Will you arrest me now?
May 28 -
Her funeral. I've managed to suspend it for so
Now it has come hobbling back to me. I seemed like
I couldn't let her go. I was too big of a kid,
cause I kept it
so much inside. It erupted in me and spilled into
and my mind. All this pent-up anger and frustration
sadness welling and fogging up my senses. I had
nosebleeds. The spirits were leaking out of me. I
her crying when they lowered the coffin. I tried to
open the box and give her all the flowers. Give
her and make love in there with her. But the
held me back.
We were in love. She's all there ever was or will
My life is too incomplete. Faulty and miswired am
soul too wild in the eye to see the calm that must
somewhere soft, this side of the End.
June 18 -
I frighten myself when I go back and read these
entries. Half of them I don't remember writing.
has crept inside my mind and died there.
June 30 -
Rory's threatening suicide all the time. Why won't
do it and get this over with.
July 2 -
I just slipped into a vision of death. It's like
feel you're gonna pass out. It's a rush before your
go. Your body is dead but you can still see and
everything but can't feel it. It's like floating on
in a pool! That's how you go out! That's how you
July 4 -
The fireworks today are in our words. There is
constant violence, but not the sort we grew up
violence is through philosophies and mantras.
Arguments and logic. Finally we are speaking to
other - like vicious human beings.
I let him hide here, but he is not appreciative. He
senses the slightest fears in me, and he acts on
sustain his edge. Between two people, the person
fewer weaknesses is expected to go in for the kill.
Survival of the fittest, but I will not back down
in my own
July 7 -
the world has always been in this falling-apart
i'm ravaging my mind ... make this go away. make
July 10 -
He's turned the tables on me. Put the law on my
I'm so out there, they can dig it. Check out
could do it. He's capable.
Goddamn right capable. Let me put a fear in your
July 18 -
The stray dogs are howling in my dreams again. They
sound so mad and sick, and I wish I could chase
they're too far in the distance. I could chase them
and never feel an inch closer. Rory, remember when
used to torture dogs for sport. Man, I wanted to
brains in. I wanted to stuff you in a rotted tree
watch the moss grow over your demented little sun-
If you come back around, I'll have to protect
You never wanted anything from me except my decency
July 21 -
I'm having more dreams about the future. I'm
dreaming of sabres and cannons pointed at my head.
Lying face down like a snake - and wiggling my way
Hail of bullets is what it takes.
August 1 -
Living with it for this long... Every day he made
hate what I came from. Staring me in the face, like
looking in a mirror.
August 11 -
I like to drive with the windows down so I can get
to nature. So I can better see what it really means
to be a
frail human figure, zooming across the earth at
speeds, in a machine designed by other frail human
figures with minds raised on the sick atrocities of
life. We're entrusting ourselves to these machines
day. Zooming all over the world and beyond,
worlds in computer screens. How long before mankind
gives himself to these machines? How long before
gives himself to his creations?
Thankfully, I won't be around to give myself up.
August 24 -
Every day, I'm more assured of the solidarity
my reality and my dreams. I feel I am close to
into a wormhole that will transport me from here to
there, and I will be able to do anything. I will be
conquer the world, to conquer God.