Friday, January 11, 2013 - 9:50 p.m.
The witness was discovered snooping around the Yoknapatawpha County Convention Center. Detectives Murphy and Parker interviewed him at the Yoknapatawpha Sheriff's Department. The interview was recorded with the witness's knowledge and consent.
- Detective S. Murphy
- Detective E. Parker
- Buzz Dakota
Detective Murphy: Good morning, Buzz. It's nice to see you again.
Buzz Dakota: Hi. What do you want with me? Why do you keep bothering me?
Detective Murphy: We just need to get some information. Will you state your name and address for the record, please?
Buzz Dakota: Buzz Dakota. I live with my daughter, Price Hill Road.
Detective Murphy: Where were you on the morning of January 5th?
Buzz Dakota: I don't know.
Detective Murphy: You don't know where you were?
Buzz Dakota: No. I don't know where I was yesterday. When was January… whatever day you said?
Detective Murphy: It was last weekend, the day Jared Plunk was murdered at the Elvis conference at the YCCC.
Buzz Dakota: I did hear some things about that Plunk man.
Detective Murphy: Did you know him?
Buzz Dakota: No, I didn't know him, but everyone was talking about him. My daughter was saying he was a troublemaker.
Detective Parker: Is that all you know about Plunk?
Buzz Dakota: People were talking about him, all over the place. Some people wanted to go see him, and some thought he was a bad man.
Detective Murphy: Were you in the hotel that morning, Buzz?
Buzz Dakota: Oh. Oh! Shhhh. That was the day I saw the aliens cloning Elvis. Shhhh. I don't want to go up. I have to lie low.
Detective Parker: What do you mean they were cloning Elvis?
Buzz Dakota: I saw all of the Elvis clones at the Center. I noticed it the night before. I saw one of them turn into a woman! The place was crawling with them.
Detective Parker: I– can you explain that a little more?
Buzz Dakota: I noticed one of the Elvis clones standing by the door, and suddenly he turned into a woman. Even had on woman's clothes. The aliens are cloning us now. I don't want to be cloned. How would my daughter know which one was me?
Detective Murphy: I see you're still wearing your tin foil hat, Buzz. Doesn't that work anymore?
Buzz Dakota: So far, so good. The cloning is scary though, so I'm not taking any chances. I didn't want to come here today. I'm counting on my hat to protect me like it always has.
Detective Murphy: Back to the Elvises at the YCCC. I don't think I understand how a man could turn into a woman, Buzz. Tell me more.
Buzz Dakota: It's so simple. Why can't you get it? An Elvis clone was there one second, and the next, he was a woman. He just peeled off the Elvis skin and became a woman. I don't want to be a woman.
Detective Murphy: What did you do when you saw that?
Buzz Dakota: I was too close to the alien and I was scared it would get me, so I hurried to get out of sight.
Detective Murphy: And when did you see all of these Elvis clones? Was it Friday night or Saturday morning?
Buzz Dakota: Yes, it was.
Detective Murphy: Which one?
Buzz Dakota: They were there the whole time. Haven't you been listening?
Detective Murphy: I have, but were you there the whole time?
Buzz Dakota: I had to keep tabs on them. We can't let the aliens get the jump on us. Or those Elvis clones either. I don't want to get cloned.
Detective Parker: Did you see anyone else?
Buzz Dakota: Yes, I did. I saw another Elvis clone. He was running too, but when he peeled off his Elvis skin, he stayed a man. How's that for strange? Aliens! You can't trust 'em.
Detective Murphy: We really need to get back to the subject, but I'm curious, Buzz. Why do you believe the aliens want you?
Buzz Dakota: Shhhhhh. Because I knew when I didn't see Elvis anymore, something was wrong. I seen him down at the car lot one day looking at the Cadillac convertibles, and last month I spotted him in the grocery store. He had a jar of peanut butter and some bananas in his cart. All those rumors about his death weren't true, you know. But anyway, I never saw him after that, so I knew something bad had happened. I knew when I saw the clones that them dang aliens got him.
Detective Parker: Do you think the aliens killed Jared Plunk?
Buzz Dakota: Never thought of that, but it could be them clones ganged up on him. They must have heard everybody saying how bad Mr. Plunk was and decided it was time for him to say, "Adieu, adieu, kind friends adieu."
Detective Parker: Thank you, Buzz. Detective Murphy doesn't seem capable of speaking right now, so I guess it's time for us to say "Adieu" too.
Buzz Dakota: I'll keep my eye out for anything odd and let you know if there's anything to report.
Detective Parker: We appreciate it. Watch yourself out there.
Interview ends - 10:08 p.m.