Thursday, March 11, 2004 -- 2:23 PM

The witness, Buzz Dakota, is a 72-year-old white male who wrote a letter to the editor of the Oxford Eagle, "A Fate Worse than Death," published on January 30, 2004. The interview was conducted by Yoknapatawpha County Sheriff's Department Detectives Armstrong and Murphy and recorded on a portable tape recorder with the witness's knowledge and consent.

SM: For the record, would you please state your name and address?

BD: My name is Buzz Dakota and I am a free citizen of the planet Earth. I rent a room at 111 Price Hill Road. In the basement.

TA: I'd like to apologize for sending a squad card to pick you up.

BD: That's quite all right. I scanned the vehicle for alien contamination before I entered. The officer was very helpful.

SM: One of our colleagues in law enforcement suggested you might have information regarding the murder of Barbara Dubois. Is that true?

BD: I warned them. I wrote a letter to the editor and everything. Nobody listens.

TA: Were you near the Yoknapatawpha County Conference Center the night of the murder?

BD: I stay home nights, watching through my telescope.

TA: Did you see anything unusual through your telescope that evening?

BD: Stars. I saw a lot of stars. That's not exactly unusual, but that's what I saw.

TA: Did you have anything to do with the murder of Barbara Dubois?

BD: Other than futilely attempting to warn them of the dire consequences of such a pageant, no. Perhaps I didn't try hard enough.

SM: Mr. Dakota, if you were in charge of this investigation, what would you do?

BD: Cancel the beauty pageant.

SM: It already was canceled.

BD: Good. I'm glad you're finally listening to me.

TA: Can you think of any reason that someone would suggest that you had valuable information?

BD: I notice things that other people don't.

SM: Could you give us an example?

BD: You're both detectives. The officer who brought me in. What did he have for breakfast?

SM: I haven't a clue.

TA: Me either. What did he have?

BD: He had two eggs scrambled, bacon, and grits.

SM: And how did you deduce that?

BD: Once I was in the squad car, I asked him. Didn't have much else to talk about.

TA: Did... excuse me... did you talk to anyone about the incident at the conference center, or hear something that might shed light on what happened that night?

BD: Have you spoken to Red?

SM: Red who?

BD: That's not her real name. It's just what I call her.

TA: Who is Red?

BD: Me, for one, if I don't take my blood pressure medication.

SM: You asked if we'd spoken to someone.

BD: Red.

TA: Why should we speak to her?

BD: I was friends with Red's grandfather before he went off to war and got himself killed and I've always felt a little obligated to keep an eye open. That poor girl hasn't had an easy time.

SM: Does Red know something that would interest us?

BD: She knows where the bodies are buried.

SM: Bodies. What bodies?

BD: When the aliens invade, and they will, they'll wear human costumes so that they can walk among us. Nobody will be able to tell the difference, nobody but the animals. That's why Red is trying to save them.

SM: Exactly who is Red, Mr. Dakota?

BD: Haven't you been listening?

TA: We're hanging on every word, but spell it out for us.

BD: W-E-N-D-Y K-U-L-L-M-A-N.

TA: She's Red?

BD: Sure, Red. Are you two really detectives?  Wait a minute. Let me scan you. Yep. You are human. Who did you think I meant, the Queen of England?

SM: Why do you call her Red?

BD: Somebody has to.

TA: What bodies does Wendy know about?

BD: The ones her brothers killed.

SM: Animal bodies?  Are you talking about animals?

BD: Her brothers weren't killing no Martians.

TA: How does this relate to Barbara Dubois?

BD: I never said it did.

SM: You asked if we'd spoken to Red.

BD: She's a lonely woman. A little sparkling conversation would do her good. Send a squad car. Ask her some questions.

TA: Do you believe Wendy Kullman has information that would be valuable to this investigation?

BD: Sometimes you just need to focus on the living. Barbara Dubois is dead and nothing is going to bring her back. Wendy's dead too, but she can still be saved.

SM: Was Wendy responsible for Barbara's death?

BD: Not unless Red caught her hurting an animal. You didn't find a wounded rabbit at the scene, did you?

TA: Nobody reported one.

SM: I went through Barbara's room and I didn't see any evidence that Barbara owned a rabbit.

BD: Her mother's allergic. I'm trying to remember where she kept it. Was it her coach's house? I'm drawing a blank. There was a newspaper story about Barbara and her lucky rabbit once.

TA: We'll check into the rabbit.

BD: Good. We can't afford to lose any more animals.

SM: Is there anything else you'd like to tell us?

BD: You just get yourself a pet and keep your gun loaded. The aliens are going to be here any day now.

TA: Thanks for the tips. I'm sure they'll come in handy.

SM: And thanks for agreeing to talk with us. We'll have the officer take you home now.

Interview ends -- 2:42 PM